It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.
I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?
And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.
And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”
Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”
“Why?!”
“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”
And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.
“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.”
“Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?”
“It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.”
“I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated.
Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic
Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.
“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”
“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species,
but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can
you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s
avoidable.”“The
first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”“Wait, what?”
“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”
“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that
every crew should have at least one on board?”“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent
innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then
a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your
human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their
ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”
“The
trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them
unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was
sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked
up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”
“The
very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on
that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it.
As a pet.”“A Dunlip? You
mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”“Yup. Don’t
leave your humans unsupervised.”“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”
“Seriously. Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get… creative. Don’t even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby.
Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched thing, half the humans on crew tried to revolt about us “killing” Stabby by removing the knife.
“How… how did you resolve that sir?”
“Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative solution, I suppose.”
“And that sated the humans?
“Worse.”
“Worse?”
“They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on springs to both and held mock battles. Then decided Stabby and Knifey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.”
Stabby is an omniversal constant.
Oh my gods, we’re the Steve Irwins of the universe.
this is my fave thing.
it can’t even be safe to assume humans would only attach themselves to only fuzzy, furry things.
reptilian and even insectoid creatures are just as likely to be randomly selected as “this is a thing i love” by a human.“Excuse me, captain? Human-Rob requests that we … bring aboard … a Kilarn.”
“A Kilarn? The giant poisonous and highly aggressive insectoid predator? Am I hearing you correctly?”
“…. Yes ser.”
“For the love of- WHY?”
“I asked the same thing, to which they replied “he’s trying his best” in a distressed tone of voice.“
*captain sighs and holds head in hands*
MY CHILD!!! thank you nav!! look at my baby all grown up and in a committed relationship, moving past the violent days of his youth. it brings a tear to the eye, it does. @executeness look at stabby go, aren’t you proud?
and they tend to call everything “dog”, “pupper”, or any variation thereupon, regardless of their actual resemblance to canine or caniform creatures
“Captain, I know that you think that getting a ship ‘pet’ is of secondary importance to our mission, but I promise you that it is vital to the health of our crew.”
“And why is that, Lieutenant?”
“Humans go a bit insane when left without one.On the last ship I served on, the Captain refused to get a pet due to one of the crew members being marked as allergic to the fur. The crew instead got really attached to inanimate objects. One of the engineers named all of her tools and would make parental noises at them while performing maintenance. A security guard became extremely attached to their weapon and refused to switch even after it became outdated. The Human’s doctor grew a bunch of fauna in his workstation. They served no purpose, but he could always be found talking to them. The worst was a member of the survey team. He found a rock while on the planet Drathor, brought it back to the ship, put plastic eyes on it, and built it a habitat in his workstation. He called it a “pet rock,” and his madness spread to the rest of the human crew within a day. They would dress them up and argue over whose rock was prettier or better behaved.”
“What did the Captain do?”
“She tried to take the rocks, but it only made the humans leak water from their eyes and become vaguely hostile, reducing their productivity. She called in a specialist on humans to have them evaluated, but was just told that it was normal behavior. She learned that there was no way to break a bond once formed and taking the rocks away only distressed the humans. So she gave them back the rocks and the humans returned to normal.”
“… Thank you for your input, Lieutenant. Pilot, set course to nearest port with a pet store.”
*Loud cheering from the human crew*
It got longer oh gods!
@ecruteakmurkrow
I’m not sure I tagged you last time I rebooted this.alright but i feel like you guys are missing a major part of humans relationships with animals, we wont try to befriend the super dangerous beasts, we WILL befriend the super dangerous beasts
“Sir Human-Steve tried to befirend a Trigack, apparently he thought it was cute”
“oh sweet lord, inform the next of kin steve was my responsibility so i will handle all the funeral arrangements and-
“thats the thing sir, he succeeded”
“….he succeeded, in befriending the 7 foot long reptile with 2 rows of teeth with enough biteing force to bite threw solid steel, and are so aggressive they literally evolved asexual reproduction because they couldent stop killing eachother long enough to mate”
“its name is Remi and Human-Steve says he enjoys having his “snoot booped”
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The Rose-Clad Demon Doctor 